My coworker sent me this...

Why won't all that soot make Santa sick?

( answer )

You can groan now.

Monkeys calls me every morning. It’s kind of our daily checkin/how you doin/no how you doin/I love you minute.

This morning it took a wrong turn.
If you can get passed all the mush at the beginning, it made me giggle quite a bit.


MLR: I bragged about you on FB and LJ today. I said you hung the moon and stars.
Monkeys: Awwww, I love you soooo much.
MLR: Undeservedly much.
Monkeys: You are right; I don’t deserve you.
MLR: *taken aback because he turned my statement around so quickly* You are smooth!!
Monkeys: As smooth as your lips.
MLR: *pause to process* Okay, now you are just corny. Funny how you can go from smooth to corny so quickly.
Monkeys: *in a vaguely Isaac Hays voice* Corny as Iowa, baby.
MLR: *fit of giggles*
Monkeys: And on that note, I’m going…

On the way to Tally this weekend caught an NPR program I'd never heard before - I don't know the title but it had to do with economics. They were doing a special program about money and kids; as a part of the show they had two eighth graders reading excerpts from stories or poems they'd written. I didn't catch either of the stories completely because of the conversations going on in the car. I pieced together what I thought the girl's poem was about based on the bits I did understand - I think she had saved up some money and was looking around online with an eye toward purchasing something, but her mother saw her online searching and started giving opinions and advice which the daughter was rejecting. She kept saying "ninja stars" over and over - which was the phrase that caught my attention in the first place in the murmuring of the radio. Only, I thought she was buying a star - probably because I have always wanted to buy a star myself. I kept wondering what kind of star a ninja star was and if it was a newly discovered type of star because we didn't discuss those in astronomy class. Maybe it was because I was struggling to figure out what I was listening to and the overall story in addition to the poem, but my mental processing took a while before I realized she meant the weapon ninja stars, not a stellar object. I wasn't as interested at that point, but my confusion amused me, and I told John about it. He suggested perhaps the Ninja Star was related to dark matter. Then together we came up with the idea of a motivational poster of a constellation reading "There are 12 Ninja Stars in this constellation."

This was hysterical. I saw it on Deb G's page.

Yeah, I laughed. I probably shouldn't have, but come on! NPH said he was fine, so it's okay!

For Toaster and Redd and Raven and McAmason - this is the txt 10 Commandments I was telling you about tonight. (Swiped this from debgeisler :) who got it from http://bitsandpieces.us/2009/06/05/god-texts-the-ten-commandments/)

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

I loved the Infocom Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game. I actually prefer the text-based adventures to most of today's computer games. Anyway, I was goofing around LJ and found this link on someone's page (forgot to write down who's journal to give credit for providing the link...). It's an article from Wired magazine showing WoW if it had been a text based adventure. I've never played WoW, but this was funny...

http://www.wired.com/gaming/virtualworlds/commentary/alttext/2006/03/70348


Meanwhile, Monkey's podcast got mentioned on Wired magazine's Cult of Mac site (again!)
http://cultofmac.com/25-years-of-mac-engineer-steve-capps-talks/11189


And we are home safe from Tallahassee. Loved visiting; wish we could stay longer. My godson graduated high school on Friday, so we went over for the ceremony. It was one of those weekends were we were nonstop - getting things ready for the ceremony, getting things ready for the after party, getting things ready for their week vacation, etc. We made a vow that one weekend we're just going over to do *nothing* but hang out.

We also saw Night at the Museum II when we got back - loved it! Even with my back out from the bad seating at the Tally civic center and sleeping on the floor, I still enjoyed the movie - so props to the movie as it was hard to get my mind to break away from the real world of owieouch yet somehow it succeeded.

I'm tired.

the funny:

The other day rpm77 sent me this link TextsFromLastNight and it is awful and hysterical. This is my favorite:

(630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

*****

RAVEN - OMG the Tandoori chicken was outstanding. I saved some for Monkeys for when he gets back. :) Mom and I decided Dad couldn't handle the heat - LOL. More for me!

*****

Mom and I are about to watch pick some British mystery to watch. Enjoying my parents! But I am so glad that Monkeys comes home soon. Video chat is amazing, but I prefer the real thing. :) Although, I'm on the computer a lot more when Monkeys is home then when he's gone...

I just tried out the Wii Fit Monkees bought for me as a belated anniversary present. It's fun!! I messed with all the yoga postures, three of the aerobic activities, two of the strength training activities, and one of the balance activities. I have excellent balance on the yoga games, but I suck royally at the balance games! Seriously suck!! The game mocks me. It actually asked me if I have trouble walking.

The first time I attempted the set up I had the Wii Fit board thing facing the wrong way. So every time it said to lean left, I would lean left, but the Wii registered it as leaning right. My initial body test results had me as being 55 years old and a hazard to those around me. After I got it turned the right way and redid the test, I dropped to 41 years old - still older than I actually am and still a potential hazard, but at least it was better than before.

The link below takes you to an even bigger oops than facing your Wii the wrong way... ann_mcn posted it on her LJ. She found it on metaquotes. I read it to Monkeys and we both giggled in admiration, so I wanted to share it, too.

Aspiring photographer asks his boss about taking some photographs...
http://the-hunter.livejournal.com/410348.html

I almost called this "I read the news today, oh boy..." Steven Page left the Barenaked Ladies. After twenty years it's not unexpected to want to make a change in life, I suppose. The Beatles only lasted ten years. Still, BNL is my favoritest band, and I am very sad. The band itself has not broken up, and they are about to start on recording a new album. I hope this happens. I am incapable of describing how much they mean to me and how powerful/brilliant/touching their music was when they were all together, so I won't even try. I hope he left on good terms, I hope they all continue to do amazing things, I hope the other boys stay together as they say they will (Andy left and the band survived, although Steven was a front man), I hope all sorts of things. I'm sort of flashing back to when George Harrison passed away - kind of an end of a season in my life.



So to try to cheer me up a bit... I have no idea whether or not this is real or not, but it made me smile. I stole this from Ik the Troll's Facebook account. EDIT: And apparently from Zinger's Facebook page, as well! ( Canadia's brilliant answers to other countries stupid questions )

Wow - it took a week for YouTube to post this to my journal. When I saw it here, I got confused and wondered what it was at first. With PiratePalooza coming up and my attempts at promoting PP on my journal, it is actually a pretty appropriately timed appearance.

You know I think it's funny if I'm posting a horse video. OH - maybe that's why I forgot what it was. The amnesia is returning... eeeps!


I just had to share with my fellow pirates. I saw this on my flist.

I got this flier along with multiple advertisements in the mail today:

"One first-class stamp, please."
The situation is not that far-fetched. Without advertising mail, the cost of a first-class stamp would skyrocket to between $5 and $10! You already know that coupons provide you with value, choice and flexibility. In fact, with American consumers being squeezed by high gas prices and operating with tight budgets, it is satisfying to know we save $3 billion dollars per year with coupons."
But did you know advertising mail benefits you in additional ways?
Not only does direct mail help you to keep your postage rates low, but it ensures postal deliver six days a week. Direct mail also provides you with information about products, services and good deals you might otherwise not know about.
80% of Americans usually read some or all of the advertising mail they receive.
And that's because direct mail makes a direct difference.

And as if that didn't make me giggle enough, one of the fliers inside this missive was for this figure:







Yes, thank you direct mail. Being usually an American that often reads some of the advertising mail I frequently receive, I am so grateful to discover this Tinkerbell I probably otherwise would not have known about. I'm almost sure that's a good thing. Gooder than forests and stuff.

EDIT: in the interests of fair play, here's a link to 41 Pounds (a way to stop direct mail...)

I am tired of feeling sick.

On the brighter side, I had a very interesting day yesterday.

1) I got photographed by a local reporter for a "man in the street" poll. The paper is doing a bit on "What do you think of the ban on fireworks...blah blah blah." I said something very stupid, and I was wearing some crazy arm warmers because it was cold, so I am convinced I'm going to be fired for giving the college a bad name. Ha!

2) The lady at the counter at McDonalds may have hit on me. I'm not sure. When she handed me a fork for my salad she kind of slammed it into my hand then held it there for several seconds. As she was holding it there, she either squeezed my hand a bit or massaged it; I wasn't quite sure what she was doing. She also said something to me, but I was so focused on trying to figure out what was being done to my hand I didn't quite hear what she said. I thought it was something like "Now you have a fork!" , so I may have said "yay, that's awesome!" then ran away.

3) I forgot there was a new traffic light and treated an intersection as if it were still a stop sign. Thankfully there were loads of cars coming which stalled me there for some time AND the car behind me also went immediately after I pulled out, so there is a big chance the light had turned green at the time I made my turn.

4) My best friend since birth emailed to tell me her son is doing much better after having been hit by a truck.

5) My best friend in high school emailed me to confirm our lunch date before our HIGH SCHOOL REUNION TOUR! Woot!!! I'm so old!!!

6) Class was great - I got mocked for my arm warmers, I passed our test, and I turned in a paper that used the words "crotch of fire" at least three times.

Bring on tomorrow!

Someone brilliant on my flist posted a link concerning some lighthouse gummi candies which perhaps didn't look so much like light houses. I started going through other pages on this webiste - The Consumerist (Shoppers Bite Back) - and lost it from giggling at the article immediately proceeding it.

Someone reported some dog treats that were probably supposed to be shaped like the letter "T" but actually look like something Sarah's store might be selling... But what cracked me up were the comments people left in response to the shape of the treats.

Seriously, though. You are warned to read at your own risk. My favorite comment was the one word "Phallicious!" (I made a portmanteau over a guy named Wendell, who I had a big crush on. I called him Wendelicious. So I'm partial to plays on that word.) I also loved the person who commented about dogs licking that all day anyway so the dog treat seemed fitting.

Go here --> http://consumerist.com/consumer/pet-food/del-monte-dog-treats-are-highly-inappropriate-332195.php

My friends are brilliantly funny and they make me giggle.

( The actual text for the school play )

Okay, and now this is what Toaster sent back to me... I did change the name from "Rose" to "Lily in honor of my grandmother who is (still) a drummer in band though as she is 82 she no longer does her little strip tease act. Yeah, my gram has some cool stories. Deal with it.

( The improved text for the school play flier )

Okay, that's just funny. She deserves some kind of award or something. Like a Pulitzer.
Who is the mad bomber what bombs at midnight? It's Toaster baby! She's got a gimmick.

I have a 20 sided dice on the shelf in my bathroom (along with a copy of The Radioactive Boy Scout, a one-a-day Bible, the 2nd Harry Potter book, a GARF map, a picture of Jon Stewart, and a small collection of lobsters...)

I knocked the die off the shelf reaching for deodorant this morning and when I bent over to pick it up I looked at what I'd "rolled" - a 19 !!! Wo0t!! I think it's going to be a good day!

I had a great idea for a practical joke and I was really excited because normally I'm not all that clever.

Last Thursday when Beth, Charlotte, and I were stuffing folders for the Registration Training Meeting on Friday she let it slip that for the past two weeks she and two other coworkers were playing a game with clothes. I knew that I had been making a lot of "Hey, Daryl and Jasmine are both wearing purple today!" comments but we have 40 people in our office and there are only seven colors in the rainbow so it's not extraordinary for two people to be in the same color and I wrote it off. But no, they had been in cahoots and they were picking out colors. Ha!

So Charlotte offered to let me in on the game so I could play with them. I said "Wouldn't it be funny if you didn't tell Daryl and Jasmine that I knew about their game and I just kept showing up in the right color?"

Last Monday I danced into the office wearing the closest I had to baby blue thinking "How brilliant am I?" Oddly enough Cindy and Karyn just happened to be in blue, too. "Great!" I thought. "It won't even seem like I'm out of the ordinary. This is perfect! Better yet, they are used to me pointing out when people are in the same color, this will be easy." So when Daryl showed up in blue I said "Hey look! Cindy, Karyn, you, and I are all in blue today!" and then set out to walk away leaving it at that. But she called to my retreating back "And Charlotte and Jasmine will be in blue today, too. We've been playing a game for the past weeks wearing the same color..."

So there went my brilliant plan. Sigh!

Go here... read this.
xkcd

If you don't already read xkcd you should, but we'll ignore that for now.
Meanwhile, if you are a fan of Firefly or the Sarah Conner Chronicles or are Eric you will really like this one.

( me stuff )

Remember earlier when I posted pictures of the baby ducks?

Well there is a scholarship funded by moneys donated by career services and faculty. I once got roped into collecting for my building - I didn't mind at first because I believe in helping out charities. But they were rather pushy. As a volunteer I was required to check everyone regularly and we were told we had to collect the money envelopes and have the people sign them even if they did not want to donate - which I thought crude. I think it put way too much pressure on people to donate because it felt like they were making a list of who did and who didn't. And I hated being in the position of hassling my coworkers and making them feel that pressure. So I'm kind of biased against this scholarship and when I saw they used the pictures from the campus ducks I got a bit miffed...
From: Madladyred
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2008 9:45 AM
To: The Coolest Advisor in the World
Subject: your ducks...
were used in a flier by XXX to promote volunteers for collecting money for the Faculty/Staff Foundation scholarship!!

From: The Coolest Advisor in the World
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:03 AM
To: Madladyred
Subject: RE: your ducks
MLR: I’m crying “FOWL”
I noticed that, and have initiated legal proceedings. This is a very blatant violation of copyright laws. This is America damit!  We won’t stand for the abuse, manipulation, and commercialization of our ducks. All monies acquired through the afore mentioned litigation will be used to assure that future generations of ducks have a place to call home, a supply of nutritious food, and freedom from exploitation by opportunistic organizations .
“The American Federation of Fair and Kind Treatment of Water Fowl”
From: Madladyred
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:49 AM
To: The Coolest Advisor in the World
Subject: RE: your ducks
Good for you! I can put you in touch with my law firm of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick. They actually specialize in “duck related” cases.  (Well, they prefer chicken related cases, but if you can answer their initial “why a duck” question with a reasonable explanation they will take the case. *Especially* if you tell them you are with the AFFKTWF. They actually have special discounts for AFFKTWF members…)

From: The Coolest Advisor in the World
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2008 11:04 AM
To: Madladyred
Subject: RE: your ducks
MLR: Thank you for your support and interest, at the present time the Law Firm on Doolittle and Sitmore are handling the case. I will keep H,H,H,H and Mc in mind just in case Sitmore’s hemorrhoids act up and he is no longer able to do what he does so well. In addition to the Copyright Infringement Charges the AFFKTWF is pursuing Class action suit in the names of all of those poor ducks who have been exploited in the past.
POWER to the AFFKTWF!
From: Madladyred
Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:49 AM
To: The Coolest Advisor in the World
Subject: RE: your ducks
Well, it’s just as well you have Doolittle & Sitmore since you left out one of the Hungerdungers (the most important one) and it’s highly unlikely they will defend you now. But just in case of a hemorrhoid attack I recommend Rufus T Firefly, barrister/shyster/president, as a back-up. He’s used to ducking (see the case of RTF vs the state of Fredonia’s Vegetable Tossing Union #1933) and has had success in various cases regarding Ducks v Campbell’s. Meanwhile if there is anything I can do to help out with either case – I think the class action lawsuit idea is brilliant – please let me know.
If it walks like a duck… the AFFKTWF isn’t far behind. Regards, MLR
*************
 
How cool are my coworkers? The coolest! He also made a faux bumper sticker for the AFFKTWF and sent that to me in an email titled "clip and show your support"

 

When I was walking to pottery class tonight a guy stepped out of a shadowy area by the Arts Center and kind of startled me. Then he said "Excuse me, do you know Jesus loves you?" I was thrown and looked down for a little New Testament or something but didn't see anything in his hands. So, confused, I said "Yes, he does." Then after a few seconds it seemed like I should say more so I added, "And Jesus loves you, too."

But it felt like my voice was weird and there had been an odd pause so I giggled. Embarrassed, I felt like I had to explain the giggle so I said "I'm not laughing about that. It's just you startled me."

I was going to fish around my neck for a cross as evidence my giggling was not to mock (see, I'm Christain, too!) but I remembered I wasn't wearing any jewelry because it was pottery night and I get clay everywhere.

So I ran.

When I got to the classroom I looked at my husband and asked him if he knew that Jesus loved him. He said that funnily enough...

So I guess I was kind of mocking them. (Thank you for my rage, Jesus.)

Two hours later as we're walking across the parking lot to our cars we saw some guys come around the corner. John asked me if it was those same guys, prepared to be impressed they had stayed that long. Then he asked me if the school had a class where students earned grades for converting people.

But he couldn't remember the word "convert". He used the word "turning".
As if evanglelists are clerics and we were the undead.